We slept through the night. All of us. OMG. It has been over 6 months since we have been getting sleep and now it's been a couple nights in a row. And it's glorious!
I have asked and asked around (just about the only thing I have asked advice for because I'm a bit
The first couple months people said:
1. She's a bigger baby and she won't sleep the whole night because she will be hungry more often (funny they say this about small babies, too, but because they need to eat to grow so whatever)
2. She's too young and will not sleep through the night so don't worry about it, it will happen in time
3. Breast milk goes through her faster so she will need to eat more often
4. Take her out of our room so that we all sleep better and not hear each other in the middle of the night
Then people said:
1. Only a little longer and she will sleep through the night
2. Or they just looked at us with /pity faces
And finally when she got around 5 months old:
1. Still got the sad/pity face of people thinking "what are you guys doing wrong?"
2. Don't rock her to sleep
3. Don't feed her to help her fall sleep
3. Lay her down when she is tired so she learns to fall asleep
4. Take her out of our room
5. Have her take less naps (not possible...she takes 3 power naps a day...like 20 minute naps and then she is ready to play for 4 hours)
6. And finally...let her cry it out
Well first, some of this advice around 5 months would have been nice at one and two months (even though I'm not sure I would have followed the advice if she started crying)! It made me feel like I had already screwed up my child and we were stuck with our nightly snuggles, feedings, and diaper changes.
And my second thought was who are these demon moms who let their kids cry it out?
But time after time everyone insisted - Crying it out works! I had several moms say that they waited til their baby was 8 months and finally gave in to letting their child cry it out so they could get sleep and not be the crazy mom. Other moms said they waited til 18 months and finally caved to the crying it out method. But the one thing that was not said was that crying it out did NOT work. 100% effective. And I knew we had to look into it.
There was basically the cry it out method and the not cry it out method. And in all actuality these are the same method. The latter method is really for the parents to feel better and not the child because the child cries just the same. The cry it out method is letting your kid just cry...and cry...and cry...but with no intervention. No hugs, no affection, no peeking into the crib, no bottle, no rocking. Nothing. Well, except for listening to your kid cry. The second method, unlike the title states, also involves crying. And more crying. And some more after that. BUT at different intervals of time you are able to console your kid. Not with hugs, rocking, or food. But with pats on the back and hushing for about a minute and then disapperaing again. So that your appearances do not mean food or play time, and eventually they give up and go to sleep.
The last part is what got me every time. They give up. They know you aren't there for affection. For love. To take care of their wants and needs. They basically think "Screw it, Mom doesn't love me so I guess I'll pass out". And this is part of the reason we postponed trying this 100% effective method for so long.
In general I didn't want Ava to "give up", but I also was affected by a little boy at Ava's daycare. At daycare there was a family who took in foster kids and infants. When Ava was only a couple months old there was a little boy who came to daycare who had the worst diaper rash the employees had ever seen. They told me that it was bleeding and still the little boy wouldn't cry. At only 5 months old this little boy had already learned that when he cried noone would come. He "gave up". So he had already stopped crying for help when he was tired, hungry, or in pain. It broke my heart. And this little boy came to mind every time someone wanted me to have Ava cry it out and learn that I wouldn't be there for her every need and want. And even with people telling me that he was a foster kid and his situation was very different from me trying to get Ava just to sleep thru the night...my heart said there was no difference and I just couldn't handle doing that to her.
Our baby is happy just about all the time. No crying. Just a bit of whining when she is tired or hungry and then smiles. I didn't want to flip her life around and have her crying half the day just to sleep for her 15 minute power naps! I didn't want to have her cry herself to sleep when I know I could simply rock her for 5 minutes and have her stay awake part of the night just to wake for a feeding or two. Or sometimes seven times. But I could fake that is was always just once a night just so we didn't have to try this method :)
But at last the time came. And we had to choose. To sleep or not to sleep? Although it really felt like...to love your child or not to love your child?
With my research on the different sleep training methods, most said to start around 3-6 months. But none of them listed the starting age at 6 months. Oops. Did this mean we were going to be defective? Out of age range for sleeping? Shit.
Last Thursday we experimented with crying it out for the first time. The experiment would begin when she woke up in the middle of the night so we still helped Ava fall asleep for bed like usual (entails about 10 minutes of feeding). She passed out around 8:30 and we headed to bed a bit after that (because we are late night party animals). Around 1am the monster had awoken. And Kyle and I stared at each other like "are we really going to do this?". And so she cried. And after a couple minutes we kinda looked at each other again like "are we still doing this?".
I tried to grab my phone and play games to distract myself from the time. But I did keep track of the time. We kept track of every minute. Minute by minute as they dragged on. At several point one or the other of us wanted to cave and we would discuss that at some point we had to do this or she would always wake up for a bottle or for Mom and Dad in the middle of the night.
And the time kept passing and she was not calming. 20 minutes went by. I covered my ears tried to fall asleep. Started crying. Thought she would think I didn't love her. Kyle would want to cave knowing that we could calm her back to sleep. Also wanting sleep himself.
And then 40 minutes went by. And I'm thinking my Mommy & Me fitness teacher told me at 40 minutes her baby finally "gave up" and passed out. And I'm like ok it can't be too much longer. Because 40 minutes was the longest amount of time I heard from anyone.
And then 45 minutes came and went. And I'm like well she beat the longest record I've ever heard of for crying it out. And again we wanted to go in there to save her. But I was like I can't do this again. I can't handle another night of 45 minutes of crying. So if this is what it takes then we need to keep going because I can't go thru this gruelling process again. I also thought of our pediatrician saying that it is easier now to have her cry it out while she is only able to push up on her arms and lift her head off the ground rather than when she is older and can stand on the side of the crib screaming. So we kept going.
And finally we surpassed an hour. And I'm thinking "what the fuck?". Because honestly what else is there to think.
But I continue to think that for an additional 30 minutes. For a total of an hour and a half of crying it out. And baby girl finally "gives up" and falls asleep. And sleeps the remainder of the night. And I don't know whether to cheer or feel like a shit ass mom for letting her baby girl cry for that long. But either way night 1 was over. And I can hug her and feed her and go about our day...a little more tired and zombie-like than the day before.
The next night consisted of 45 minutes of crying before she fell asleep...and the next night 30...and then 20...and it slowly got less dreadful as bedtime approached.
Regardless of the outcome, I am still not convinced I would recommend this approach to others. But like everyone else who told me about this approach, we are yet another product of it's 100% effectiveness. And I guess you can't beat that. Or a full nights sleep!
