Favorite Things

I am Cayden's favorite. He cuddles close whenever someone comes near.

Ava is stubborn. We will give her the option of water or nothing after she brushes her teeth for bed and she will say nothing and roll over. She really wants juice or milk.
Her dad gave her the option of saying sorry for biting him or staying in time out and she chose time out.
I told her she needed to come in from outside or I would throw her bubbles away. She told me to throw them away.
This girl I tell ya :) only problem is I know she gets it from me

Ava showed me a magnet for our fridge. We have letters and numbers  magnets.  When she held it up I told her that it was a zero. She looked at it and said no no mommy that's not a zero that's a circle!

The kids were hunting Easter eggs in my in-laws backyard.  Cayden was just hanging out in one spot and I told Ava to show him how to hunt for eggs and she picked a couple up and brought them right over to him and said here you go baby. She is the best big sister sometimes.

The other day I was changing Cayden and I head Ava yelling that's yucky that's yucky over and over again. I rush to clean him up to see what mess I'm going to run into and I see that Ava got the broom out and is sweeping dog fur into a pile and she points to it and goes mommy that's yucky. My little helper.

Cayden likes to hear his voice and he will squeal and we will squeal back and it just keeps going back and forth and he will get the biggest smile.

Ava and him will play peek a boo in his crib. He will crouch down and see her between the bars and then pull himself up quickly and smile at us over the crib.

Cayden splashes a lot in he bath tub and him and Ava will compete to make the biggest splashes with their hands

If Kyle and I are laughing about something both kids will start cracking up like they understand what we are laughing about. It's so cute that they copy us and are trying to be part of the conversation.

Favorite Things

These are a few of my favorite things

• Ava calling Cayden 'baby Cay'
• Ava practicing her colors and calling almost everything blue the first time until you ask again and then she typically gets it correct if it's green, red, or pink
• Cayden has stranger danger already - the pediatrician said it's a little earlier than normal which means he will be smart. Who knows if that's correct, but she knows how to make a mom feel good.
• Cayden cried at daycare and they called to have me come calm him down and he was immediately content in my arms
• After a bath Ava will lay her head on my should and cuddle with me while I hold her. One of the few times I'm guaranteed some snuggles.
• Caydens giggles when I talk in his ear and say 'mamama' or tickle him.
• Ava wanting to have me set Cayden in her lap and giving him kisses or holding his hand. My heart just melts.
• Ava sleeping like me, squirming like me, wanting to hold bags when we leave the house,  rocking babies, and pushing the strollerr. And sleeping on the floor instead of in her bed one night. She is a Daddy's girl, but she is undoubtedly my mini me.
• Ava shouting 'no koda no' when he jumps at the back door or 'move dog move' when she walks past them in the kitchen. She is always listening and always watching and it's funny to see what she learns from us
• Ava grabbing caydens face and giving him kisses like I do. Or tickling his feet or armpits and saying 'tickle tickle tickle' like I do to her
• Ava wanting to sit on the counter when I cook so she can help out. I give her bowls to mix cereal, or she helps pour ingredients, or something so she can 'help'
• Ava putting diapers on her stuffed animals and doll
• Ava yelling 'I poo' the second Kyle walked in from work
• She also shouts 'I burp', 'I toot', and 'I pee'- staying classy around here
• Ava sharing her toys with the baby. Although she also shouts mine when he has her things...but at least she shares some of the time
• Ava helping feed the dogs and take out recyclables

• When I'm holding the baby Ava will pat on the pack n play and say 'baby down baby down' and when I set him down she runs to me and say 'up!' Smart girl. She does the same thing at night to Kyle so he will hold her when she is tired. The other night Kyle was sitting up with her rather than reclined back and Ava told him 'down' so he would lay back and she could be more comfy :) wrapped around his finger
• Cayden will grab his toes with one hand and suck on his other hand. You can hear sucking noises and he will have most of his fist in there. He won't take a paci so pretty sure he will be a thumb...or hand...sucker!
• Ava will see us use something even just once and remember what it's for the next time. Like when I plucked my eyebrows and she put the tweezers up to her eyes the next time she saw them. Or the reflex hammer in her kiddy medical bag and she used it on caydens knee.
• Today at the doctors I was counting books as Ava put them back in the basket and she has never counted by herself but after I said eleven she said 'telve' 'tirteen' and 'fourteen' ! She's catching on!
• Caydens bright blue eyes...not sure if they will stay that way. His blonde fluffy hair and his toothless grin. Sweetest boy.
• Ava will take a you or something and then out it behind or back and say 'where is it where is it' and sometimes the toy will drop and she will scatter to pick it up again and hide it behind her back and do the same thing with a funny look on her face...trying to be all deceiving like she doesn't know here the toy is either. Sometime she stuffs the toy under her armpit with most of the you still visible and ask where it is. She cracks me up.
• She has just started laying in the other side of the door when you close the bedroom or bathroom door.  The other morning I was getting ready for work (at 6:30 am) and there are footsteps down the hall and then I hear giggles under the door and she shouts hi mama!
• Lately Ava will need something and we will tell her to get it or for her to do it and her response will be 'mama do it' or 'daddy get it' and look all innocent and nice. Already learning to pull our heart strings.

Life is good with our two babies.

Toddler Status

Our little girl is growing up. Well, duh. But once in awhile I feel like we officially have reached another stage. And we are there.

At 12 months our infant - who was already walking - was changing to a different room at daycare.  I assumed there was like a pre-toddler room.  I wouldn't even be able to classify what this age group would be called but I assumed there was a stage between infant and toddler.  There isn't.

Ava moved up to the toddler room and I panicked a little bit.  They had a few new rules and I was nervous if Ava Mom was ready for this next step.

The kids had to wear shoes. I know other parents put little shoes on their kids because it's cute but I was not one of those parents. For one, this was back in summer and we went barefoot all the time. Two, she had just starting walking a couple weeks prior so it was unnecessary up until this point.  Anyhow, we went to the store and picked out some cute sneakers together, went home to try them on, and Ava began walking like she had gum on the bottom of her feet. And walking wide-legged like she was on a horse or something. It was very funny to watch as she would take a few high-stepped, wide-legged steps towards us and then just reach towards us with her arms stretched out so she wouldn't have to go any further.  But after only a few minutes she sat down and looked at us frantically while trying to undo the Velcro and get them off her feet.  I couldn't imagine how this would go when she had to wear them for ten hours.

The kids had scheduled nap time.  Ava has her own schedule. Our routine is there is no routine. Not to say that it varies by like ten hours...but sometimes it does vary by as much as 4 or 5 hours.  Sometimes one nap. Sometimes three naps. Sometimes they last 20 minutes. Sometimes 2 hours. Sometimes they start at 10:30 in the morning. Other days not til 3pm.  We go with our own flow or lack thereof.  I was terrified that for two and a half hours they would force our child to lay there and not get up. My child knows no true schedule and I was sad to think of her crying for over two hours in a crib until designated nap time ended.

The kids drank out of sippy cups. My child drank a little out of a sippy but preferred a bottle. Especially before a nap. She drank only a couple ounces if she was given a sippy opposed to finishing the whole bottle. Despite my child being in the 95% for weight she would surely starve, right?! If her tears from nap time didn't drown her first.

These kids played outside. There were bees. She inherited my husbands pale porcelain skin and the sun would surely fry her.  The times we took Ava outside she tried eating rocks. And grass. And mulch. And that is when the parent:kid ratio was triple what the daycare requires.  Ava would obviously devour the playground like a cow after starving from only getting a sippy cup to drink out of.

This toddler room was ruthless.

And yet she survived.  She adjusted with ease to their schedules and activities. She grew into a toddler very shortly after entering that room.  And we lost our little infant.

She has grown so much.  Looking back on just the last month it astounds me how quickly she picks up on everything. So quickly that we are going to need to clean up our occasional potty mouth moments. And stop laughing when she does something disobedient and stubbornly...in her very cute way of ignoring our requests and doing her independent thing.  In her way where Kyle and I look at each other and say, 'Yup she takes after us!'

In the past couple months she has starting climbing. And balancing on the arm of our couch. And balancing on her car while dancing to the music she plays. And spinning around the room until she gets dizzy and falls (just happened yesterday). Loves standing in a shopping cart like she is surfing (while I hold her hand and move at a snail's pace). And speaking a lot more including tell the dogs 'No!' like we do. And trying to copy when I say 'I love you' (can't wait to hear those words back). And trying to put socks and shoes on. Trying to brush her hair. Trying to brush her teeth. Pointing out her nose and more recently her belly. She also pokes your eyes, mouth, and ears trying to figure out what everything is. Drinking out of a real cup. Using a fork to eat her food (not consistently but she has done it all by herself on several occasions). Walking around talking on our cell phones and pushing on the phone like she is texting.  Helping feed the dogs by tipping the cups of food into their bowls. And trying to climb over the gate. Helping stir food.  Stacking four cans. Reading books to herself. Climbing up in chairs. Helping put away toys as well as clean dishes.

And with toddlerism brought her new attitude. The tantrums. The crying when things are taken away from her. Like taking away the toilet plunger she discovered. Or the Chapstick addiction she is developing like her mom, but instead of wearing it on her lips she is taking bites out of its cherry flavor.  She has begun the pinching of my neck skin. The scratching of my cheeks. The biting of my leg. The pulling of my hair. The slapping Daddy's back. And so we also got to experience her first  timeout the other day. The sitting of silence in a corner with Mommy for eternity. Or really just sixty seconds. But to Ava the last 45 seconds, after she realized we weren't playing or talking, was basically eternity.


This stage has also brought out some of my favorite moments. Like her learning to spin til she is dizzy and falling down and thinking it's hilarious. Or clapping her hands when she stacks her Legos. And clapping her hands even when those Legos aren't connected and fall apart but she still thinks it deserves an applause. So we clap, too and chuckle to ourselves. And I love the jumping on the bed and then tickling her as she cracks up in only the way that I have been able to make her laugh. Makes you feel like a million bucks. Or how she wants to be in my lap to read or sit and pat her feet on the ground. And the way she hugs me tight and holds on before we are about to get in the car, looks up at me quickly, and then buries her head back on my shoulder. And the way she gives me kisses. Then looks at me and falls towards me again for another kiss. And another til she just looks at me with a huge smile like we just had the best inside joke.  And high fives on command. And she loves turning light switches on and off.  And closing doors.  And she loves climbing in drawers and cabinets and closets.  How she run up to me and screams when I get home from work, reaching her arms up as far as they can go so I will pick her up for a hug and kiss. How if I try to get away for even a couple minutes to change clothes or go to the bathroom I will hear the little pitter patter of running feet and then a few bangs on the door as she shouts different words to get me to let her in with me.  How she sees something new or fun and her face makes the 'oooooooh' face.  How she hides behind our living room chairs and waits for us to say 'where is Ava?' So she can poke her head out with a huge grin and giggle.  How she carries pillows down the hall to plop on top of them for nap time. And how she recently copies exactly what I'm doing at home. Like wanting a wet cloth to help me wipe down cabinets. And grabbing the broom on several occasions to sweep the floor.  The way she reaches for my hand when we walk through stores. Or runs the other way so I will catch her and she can squeal once she has been caught.  And when she turns into a cuddly little girl and curls to sleep on us, wakes up only to make sure we are still there, and cuddles up again to fall back to sleep.

We love this girl with all our hearts.

Meal Planning

I forced my husband to set New Year goals with me.  I thought it would hold us a bit accountable and also keep us on the same page.

One of our goals is to be more frugal with money. We don't eat out at fancy restaurants, but we also don't normally think twice about eating out with friends at a chain restaurant.  And we typically wreak havoc on grocery bills. Two weeks ago that changed and we thought it would be smart to meal plan. Ya know, have a goal at the grocery store where the ingredients didn't just sound good, but had an intended meal. Otherwise, we wander through the store and grab fresh veggies that go bad because there wasn't a dish to put them in or we end up with nachos for dinner because we only have shredded cheese and tortilla chips left.

We sat down and made a list of meals for the week. Nothing fancy, just normal foods we like such as spaghetti. Then we went through the fridge to see what we needed to make  everything. Also, adding on other essentials for breakfast or snacks. And then we set a goal for the price.  Really didn't seem to difficult so we were on our way through the store, proudly standing at the check out line with a cart that seemed half as full as normal. And then the price showed up on the screen. $50 over our 'budget'!  We figured this is week one. We can make up for this, right?

So, all week we made our meals and had leftovers for lunch each day which was perfect.  And then we planned for the next week. This time trying to be even more frugal so we picked a couple crock pot recipes, noodles, Mexican food, and a day of leftovers.  We walked proudly to the check out line again with our discounted items and off-brand food. And bam - $25 over budget. What the hell?

I am thinking we may switch grocery stores. Or maybe wait til the end of the month and see how much cheaper everything ends up being. I'm thinking since we aren't eating out that our grocery bill may be slightly higher than normal, but overall it will cost is less each month for food costs. I hope.  I mean we aren't buying organic, fresh fruits and veggies, steaks, and gourmet cheese.  We are buying the cheapest price per unit for everything and still end up overboard. Ridiculous.

Even more ridiculous is that we decided to not eat out about two weeks ago.  We were more so grabbing fast good for lunch because we wouldn't make a lunch, so we have solved that problem. But within these last two weeks we have been asked out for lunch or dinner 5 times.  I felt rude at first because someone would ask us to eat and I'm turning them down and feel like I'm saying I don't want to hang out with you.  But I an also uncomfortable talking about money - saving money, spending money, making money.  I don't like any of the topics.  But luckily, after about the third time Kyle spoke up and was honest and just said we are trying to save money and not eat out as much. Seemed easy enough, but several friends then offered to just pay for us which just makes me uncomfortable.  Anyhow, just so surprising how frequently road blocks appear when you set a goal for yourself.  And makes it that much more difficult to stay on track.

New Year

We spent New Years at home. Like just us three, er 4. Or 6 if you count our furry kids. We made dinner, watched a movie, and around 9pm Ava and I were ready for bed.  I get excited to do things as a family, but a bit bummed we don't have friends with families that live close by.  And as the night gets later I get a bit lonely that we decided to stay in while we have friends in other cities that won't be in bed for a few more hours. But honestly instead of wanting to go back in time to our spontaneous lives of bars, late nights, and little responsibility - I really hope in time our friends will get married and pop out babies, too. Instead of searching for singles in downtown bars, I hope one day a friend would prefer a play date or dinner in and still consider it a fun night. In time right?!

As the year winds down I had been thinking back on our years together.  I reflected on our lives so far and how our plans used to focus on where to party and now it focuses more on what we want to do as a family and who we want to be around.  Choosing who we want to make time for and make part of our lives.  And sadly sometimes still not getting time to see those people due to time, work, distance, and money...you know, responsibilities.  I thought of this year being Ava's last as an only child. And I got sad because it will make our baby seem so grown up. And I thought of all the changes we have made and told Kyle that I think even in the beginning of our relationship that this is the life we both wanted in a few years. Then I firmly asked "right?!" :)

My favorite part of New Years is the ball dropping in New York. And up until like 5 years ago (yes, I'm pretty sure I was in college) I thought the ball re-dropped every hour which for some reason made it more magical. Like I was counting down with all Times Square. And then I found out the ball drops once and then is replayed each hour. Seriously one of the most disappointing things.  So this year I was expecting to fall asleep early and wake up in 2014, but surprisingly at like 11:50pm Kyle woke me up, turned on the TV, and we watched the ball drop together. Love those little surprises. Ava even woke up, too (I am guessing from the light of the TV since it was basically muted). And the dogs were freaking out from the fireworks going off so they joined as well and we rang in 2014 as a family.

Some of my goals for this coming year are
-being smart with money
-being more patient
-not raising my voice
-lastly I want to have balance in the next year. Mostly family and work balance. But I think it should also include friends, husband/wife, and personal life balance. I think when Ava was born I either wanted to be with her or I would be at work but I wouldn't be caught dead leaving her for a few hours to see friends or to work out or to go on a date with Kyle. That would just cut into my time with her and although I still feel strongly about that and want my extra time to be with her there does need to be a balance.

Here's to a New Year and a better version of us all

Hallelujah

Written 3/21/13:

We slept through the night.  All of us.  OMG.  It has been over 6 months since we have been getting sleep and now it's been a couple nights in a row.  And it's glorious!

I have asked and asked around (just about the only thing I have asked advice for because I'm a bit stubborn proud independent the best mom ever and I don't need to follow advice) about how to get your child to sleep through the night.

The first couple months people said:
1. She's a bigger baby and she won't sleep the whole night because she will be hungry more often (funny they say this about small babies, too, but because they need to eat to grow so whatever)
2. She's too young and will not sleep through the night so don't worry about it, it will happen in time
3. Breast milk goes through her faster so she will need to eat more often
4. Take her out of our room so that we all sleep better and not hear each other in the middle of the night

Then people said:
1. Only a little longer and she will sleep through the night
2. Or they just looked at us with /pity faces

And finally when she got around 5 months old:
1.  Still got the sad/pity face of people thinking "what are you guys doing wrong?"
2. Don't rock her to sleep
3. Don't feed her to help her fall sleep
3. Lay her down when she is tired so she learns to fall asleep
4. Take her out of our room
5. Have her take less naps (not possible...she takes 3 power naps a day...like 20 minute naps and then she is ready to play for 4 hours)
6. And finally...let her cry it out

Well first, some of this advice around 5 months would have been nice at one and two months (even though I'm not sure I would have followed the advice if she started crying)!  It made me feel like I had already screwed up my child and we were stuck with our nightly snuggles, feedings, and diaper changes.

And my second thought was who are these demon moms who let their kids cry it out?

But time after time everyone insisted - Crying it out works!  I had several moms say that they waited til their baby was 8 months and finally gave in to letting their child cry it out so they could get sleep and not be the crazy mom.  Other moms said they waited til 18 months and finally caved to the crying it out method.  But the one thing that was not said was that crying it out did NOT work.  100% effective.  And I knew we had to look into it.

There was basically the cry it out method and the not cry it out method.  And in all actuality these are the same method.  The latter method is really for the parents to feel better and not the child because the child cries just the same.  The cry it out method is letting your kid just cry...and cry...and cry...but with no intervention.  No hugs, no affection, no peeking into the crib, no bottle, no rocking.  Nothing.  Well, except for listening to your kid cry.  The second method, unlike the title states, also involves crying.  And more crying.  And some more after that.  BUT at different intervals of time you are able to console your kid.  Not with hugs, rocking, or food.  But with pats on the back and hushing for about a minute and then disapperaing again.  So that your appearances do not mean food or play time, and eventually they give up and go to sleep.

The last part is what got me every time.  They give up.  They know you aren't there for affection.  For love.  To take care of their wants and needs.  They basically think "Screw it, Mom doesn't love me so I guess I'll pass out".  And this is part of the reason we postponed trying this 100% effective method for so long.

In general I didn't want Ava to "give up", but I also was affected by a little boy at Ava's daycare.  At daycare there was a family who took in foster kids and infants.  When Ava was only a couple months old there was a little boy who came to daycare who had the worst diaper rash the employees had ever seen.  They told me that it was bleeding and still the little boy wouldn't cry.  At only 5 months old this little boy had already learned that when he cried noone would come.  He "gave up".  So he had already stopped crying for help when he was tired, hungry, or in pain.  It broke my heart.  And this little boy came to mind every time someone wanted me to have Ava cry it out and learn that I wouldn't be there for her every need and want.  And even with people telling me that he was a foster kid and his situation was very different from me trying to get Ava just to sleep thru the night...my heart said there was no difference and I just couldn't handle doing that to her.

Our baby is happy just about all the time.  No crying.  Just a bit of whining when she is tired or hungry and then smiles.  I didn't want to flip her life around and have her crying half the day just to sleep for her 15 minute power naps!  I didn't want to have her cry herself to sleep when I know I could simply rock her for 5 minutes and have her stay awake part of the night just to wake for a feeding or two.  Or sometimes seven times.  But I could fake that is was always just once a night just so we didn't have to try this method :)

But at last the time came.  And we had to choose.  To sleep or not to sleep?  Although it really felt like...to love your child or not to love your child?

With my research on the different sleep training methods, most said to start around 3-6 months.  But none of them listed the starting age at 6 months.  Oops.  Did this mean we were going to be defective?  Out of age range for sleeping?  Shit.

Last Thursday we experimented with crying it out for the first time.  The experiment would begin when she woke up in the middle of the night so we still helped Ava fall asleep for bed like usual (entails about 10 minutes of feeding).  She passed out around 8:30 and we headed to bed a bit after that (because we are late night party animals).  Around 1am the monster had awoken.  And Kyle and I stared at each other like "are we really going to do this?".  And so she cried.  And after a couple minutes we kinda looked at each other again like "are we still doing this?".

I tried to grab my phone and play games to distract myself from the time.  But I did keep track of the time.  We kept track of every minute.  Minute by minute as they dragged on.  At several point one or the other of us wanted to cave and we would discuss that at some point we had to do this or she would always wake up for a bottle or for Mom and Dad in the middle of the night.

And the time kept passing and she was not calming.  20 minutes went by.  I covered my ears tried to fall asleep.  Started crying.  Thought she would think I didn't love her.  Kyle would want to cave knowing that we could calm her back to sleep.  Also wanting sleep himself.

And then 40 minutes went by.  And I'm thinking my Mommy & Me fitness teacher told me at 40 minutes her baby finally "gave up" and passed out.  And I'm like ok it can't be too much longer.  Because 40 minutes was the longest amount of time I heard from anyone.

And then 45 minutes came and went.  And I'm like well she beat the longest record I've ever heard of for crying it out.  And again we wanted to go in there to save her.  But I was like I can't do this again.  I can't handle another night of 45 minutes of crying.  So if this is what it takes then we need to keep going because I can't go thru this gruelling process again.  I also thought of our pediatrician saying that it is easier now to have her cry it out while she is only able to push up on her arms and lift her head off the ground rather than when she is older and can stand on the side of the crib screaming.  So we kept going.

And finally we surpassed an hour.  And I'm thinking "what the fuck?".  Because honestly what else is there to think.

But I continue to think that for an additional 30 minutes.  For a total of an hour and a half of crying it out.  And baby girl finally "gives up" and falls asleep.  And sleeps the remainder of the night.  And I don't know whether to cheer or feel like a shit ass mom for letting her baby girl cry for that long.  But either way night 1 was over.  And I can hug her and feed her and go about our day...a little more tired and zombie-like than the day before.

The next night consisted of 45 minutes of crying before she fell asleep...and the next night 30...and then 20...and it slowly got less dreadful as bedtime approached.

Regardless of the outcome,  I am still not convinced I would recommend this approach to others.  But like everyone else who told me about this approach, we are yet another product of it's 100% effectiveness.  And I guess you can't beat that.  Or a full nights sleep!

The Crib

Before Ava was born I read up on SIDS.  Not to an extreme.  But enough to know that even though they didn't know what "causes" SIDS, there were recommendations on how to prevent it.  Doesn't exactly make sense to me to have recommendations on how to prevent something if you don't know the cause of it.  If there are ways to prevent or decrease the chance of something happening it seems they have found the cause.  Right?! Whatev

Anyhow.  One of the ways to decrease the chance of SIDS was to have your child sleep in the same room with you for the first 6 months.  Well, honestly, I wanted Ava to be near me anyways.  So this was A-OK with me!  And regardless, if we heard her moving around, coughing, or had a feeling something was wrong we could either get up and have to go to the other room to make sure she was alive or we could peak in the crib by our bedside.  We opted for the bedside.

I have loved having her in our room.  Sometimes she moves around and wakes up the hubs...Mr. Lightsleeper.  But we also love peering over to see her smile, listen to her talk, or see her hand grab the side of the crib like she is trying to escape.  And sometimes we just watch her as she sleeps contently like a little angel.

A few times we contemplated moving her to her own room because we thought we were all waking each other up.  Making for interrupted, restless nights.  But in the end we kept her in our room and were comforted all being together.

I knew I wanted to have Ava in her own room at 6 months because if she slept in our room any longer we would both have separation anxiety.  At 6 months, I am really the only person who would have to deal with the separation anxiety.  And if we cut the cord at 6 months, we kept her safe according to SIDS guidelines while also giving her her own space before she ever knew that she had only stayed in our room her whole life.

And so on her 6 month birthday we got everything ready for the move. 

We set up the monitor.  And I turned the volume all the way up.  So much that we could hear our voices in our speaker...from talking in our room which carried our voices to her monitor in her room and was then heard through our speaker in our room where the noise started.  Uh, yeah.  I might have been a little nervous about going to our separate rooms.  And yes, our rooms are only about 10 steps from each other, so the noise didn't have to carry that far.  But it was still funny and a bit ridiculous.

So Ava already fell asleep in the living room so Kyle went to set Ava in her crib.  And we both stood there and watched her.  Waiting for disaster so we could take her back to our room.  She rolled to her side and stayed peacefully asleep.  We went back to the living room for a bit only to check on her a few minutes later.  Now she was sleeping on her stomach.  Gosh dang it girl!  I know once a baby is strong enough to roll over that it's ok for them to sleep on their stomach.  But this is only the third time she has done this.  And really?  Sleeping on her stomach the first night out of our room.  I would really just prefer all possible dangers to be eliminated so Kyle flipped her back to her back.  But then she quickly rolled back to her side.  And shortly later back to her stomach.

Such a small girl in such a big crib

 

We gave up on flipping her to her back.  So Kyle went back out to the living room and I went into our room to get ready for bed.  I looked around at her pack n play pushed to the side of the room.  Where Ava had slept her whole life.  And it was empty.  And I felt my eyes fill with tears.

 

How did 6 months fly by?  She has laid by our sides for the past 6 months.  Protected by us from this SIDS creature that lurked in the night.  Comforted by us when she was hungry.  And loved by us when she cried.

 

 

I laid down in our bed and cried.  And cried a little more.  And I'm turning into such a sap these days.  But for the past 6 months I was able to watch her chest rise and fall next to me.  Hold her hand when I just wanted to know she was there.  And wake up to her smile every morning.  Or the smell of her poopy diaper or look at the dried spit-up on her face :)

 

 

Yes, for the past 6 months we also woke up several times in the middle of the night.  And we still wake up at least once to feed her.  But I have still loved sharing our room with her.

 

 

So while she was peacefully sleeping in the other room, I was trying to adjust to this new sleeping situation in our room.  And I began going through all the thousands of pictures of her on my phone.  Scrolling back to last days of my pregnancy and the first days of her life. 

 

 

 

 

 

And she was so tiny and so beautiful.  And there were pictures of us look a wee bit weird and awkward as first time parents.  But we took it all in stride.  And we grew into our new roles immediately and have loved our growing family.

 

 

 

  And sometimes Ava looked like a big goof. And sometimes she still does.

 

 

Statue Girl

 

 

Mohawk Girl

 

 

But these are the pictures we have to document her life.  And having this little milestone in her life of moving to her own room has made me already go back and look at the days when she first came home and to see how much our lives have changed up to this point.  And I have loved every minute. And I've loved being a mom and learning to be parents with my husband.  And learning to communicate and help each other out as we learn and make decisions together on how we will parent our baby girl.

 

 Kyle camed and joined me in our room.  Seeing my red, teary eyes.  And we lay together looking at pictures.  And we intently listened to the monitor fuzz waiting for any little noise so that we could run to the other room and rescue Ava.  Waiting for a whimper of discontent.  And it never came.  The only sound we heard was the sigh of Koda laying down next to her crib.  And I was glad Koda came to the rescue as her protector.

 

But around 4:30am Ava finally cried out for food.  And we both jumped up faster than we would have if she was next to our bed.  And we swooped Ava out of her crib to cuddle with us in bed while she ate.  Making our room feel complete again.  And making my heart feel complete again.

 

We  will continue to get used to this new arrangement.  And eventually this separation will be less taxing on me.  Everyone jokes that this separation anxiety that is talked about in every baby book is really talking about the anxiety on me and not on Ava.  And so far that seems to be true.

 

Some of this parenting stuff is hard.  I feel like some parenting decisions have to be made more with the head and less with the heart.  Because if a parent only made decisions based on their heart their kids would live close by and be taken care of and pampered for the rest of their lives so that nothing could hurt them and they would always be ok.

 

 

 

But while we adjust, if Ava ever wants to be rescued from her large, lonely, evil crib again we will be right there to swoop her up.  For her well-being, and also for ours!